Who is Virgilio Anderson?

Virgilio Anderson was hatched in an incubator in 1978, the offspring of a Leek and Richard Stilgoe. He was an awkward child, and responded only to the name of Virgilio Anderson.. hence his name. As he grew, it was clear that he was going to become a twat. His refusal to eat anything but Battenburg cake ear-marked him to become ambassador for madness on completion of his pubescant phase.. (we will talk more about this later).

Not only did he have one foot bigger than the other, he walked like he'd been born back to front. People would throw things at him just for the sheer joy of seeing him cry into his Disney tee-shirt. The more this happened, the more Virgilio would wreak havoc on his fellow Dungeons & Dragons gamers.. a game he had become obsessed with. KILL the Goblin.. KILL HIM>> MAIM HIM.. RIP His Head off.. he would chant.. (to the silence of his fellow gamers)..

He soon became very insular and started to enter professional body-building tournaments. It was here that he met and fell in love with Shaw 'Keep 'em peeled' Taylor.. http://www.didtheydie.com/morgue/images/shaw_taylor.jpg
He felt secure and protected at last.. spurred on by his new found happiness, he went on to gain an OU degree in 'being a wanker' shortly before being struck down by leprosy of the mind. He is now rumoured to be a stealth social media addict who delights in causing great upset to all and sundry.. especially Richard Herring..

The Anarchy of Ken Dodd

"OH NO, LOOK OUT... It's Ken Dodd"

As a young man, Kenneth Arthur Dodd was known to be a slight social misfit.. "a nutter??" I hear you say.. Locals spoke of his menacing character and fascination with midgets..

It didn't take Ken long to clear a whole street in those days... he was feared by many and avoided by a few more...

After his accident involving a high-speed chase and a brick wall, things changed dramatically for Ken..

His face actually ended up in the back of his head and medics had to crudely suction all the parts out of the cavity and fit them back in like a Jenga puzzle. An almost impossible task based on the fact that the remnants of his face were largely made up of splinters, bits of enamel and jelly.

The surgeon held out hope!

Unfortunately we know how the story ends...

After days and days of reconstruction, the medical team decided that it was as far as they could go. Ken had no visitors apart from the Hospital radio DJ.. Ken discharged himself 3 weeks early against medical advice and insisted staff take his bandages off before he left. He'd had enough of sitting in a hospital bed.

Doctors told him he may need counselling for what he was about to see and told him to sit down..

Ken was prepared.. I mean.. How bad could it be? He thought to himself.

Well as we all know Kenneth Arthur Dodd subsequently morphed into the hugely popular but slightly repulsive entertainer Ken Dodd.

The effervescent toothy, dribbling, boggle-eyed veteran of variety entertainment and tickling enthusiast, hides years of mental turmoil, anguish and pain from his full facial reconstruction but did end up a nicer person and now has friends... A far cry indeed from the days of plain old Kenneth Arthur Dodd.. menace to society...

The Seedy past of The Krankies - Pt 1

Not many people know this.. but The Krankies used to be Russian spies.. They actually grew up two streets apart in Leningrad.. wee Jimmy went to the infamous 'special school for curious midget cross-dressing future entertainers'.. whilst her/his future other half went to the school for seemingly normal people who will marry curious midget cross-dressing future entertainers. They first met at the progressive Proletariat youth centre up the road..

It was kind of love at first site in every absolute sense of the word 'wrong'- what with the 6ft height difference and the school-cap & shorts.. however, despite wee Jimmy's stature and boyish good looks, the 17 yr old was clearly every inch the woman in Ians eyes. It was a relationship very much against the odds but one which would ultimately bloom into a very loving and caring romance (seriously!)

It was Ian who took the first tentative steps. Wee Jimmy was drinking a state-approved Tizer and playing a game of snooker with some of the other lads when the 6ft 4 curly haired lethario approached.
Clearing his throat.. a silence befell the snooker table area..

As one of wee Jimmys friends dug him in the ribs.. Ian uttered the life-changing sentence.. "would you like to go on a date?".. ...... everyone fainted..

Everyone that is except wee Jimmy.. who turned crimson with a beguiling look.. almost unable to answer.. he had prayed for this moment since first setting eyes on Ian at the tuck-shop 3 weeks ago..

"Well"? said Ian.. as some of Jimmy's friends started to convulse..

"Aye" fandabeedozy.. wee Jimmy said..

"What does that fucking mean?" said Ian.. before giving wee Jimmy a note with his phone number on.. "Anyway.. give me a ring and we'll go to the cinema or something"..

Wee Jimmy skipped all the way home but was sent to bed early when he told his mum...

Emu's demise

I thought Emu was still alive? but just a bit deflated and unemployed without the sweet insertation of the very dry-skinned and strangely brown hand of Rod Hull. Although I hear Bernie Clifton had a go at riding Emu (egged on by his remaining arch rival Keith Harris) at some LSD fuelled party. Bernie couldn't take the jeers of 'Rod was the King of Birdy manipulation, Not you Clifton' and ' WANKER' so went for it to prove a point.... but it wasn't quite the same as his converted Ostrich/trouser gizmo..

I hear he was laughed out of the squat as once he had 'got into' the Emu, he'd failed to notice his cock was hanging out of Emu's neck as it had suffered some wear and tear since Rods departure (not Bernies cock).. kicked around by most of the staff in BBC TV Centre, Wood Lane at lunchtimes.. Bernie went on for 10 minutes doing his 'standard' routine with his hand shunting into Emu's head - making quacking motions... raised bandy-leg walking.. and generally strutting about the squat.. jutting his head as he went.. and thought he'd finally found form again..

Ian Brown, who was discreetly slumped in the corner.. sat upright briefly to shout.. Bernehhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. your cocks out maiiiiite.. fort I'd say like man.. s'not a cool look maiiiite.. it looks laiiike Emu's dropped his lunch.. etc

Well, you could have pulled the rug from under Bernies well used flat-feet..He quickly disappeared into the night, bird attached... with taunts of 'CUNT' and 'FUCK OFF YOU TWAT' echoing behind him..

Can anyone clear up this mystery??